i don’t have the energy anymore. i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna feel like this. i don’t know if it’s because it’s late and i’m tired. or if it’s cause i’m thinking of the future and it’s fucking me up again. either way i’m down. i’m down, i’m in that place that i don’t wanna be. i don’t want to feel this way anymore.

just wish it would go away. like bad weather hanging over my head..

Today’s been really chilled out and mellow.

Woke up around 11ish, went with my dad to lunch. Bought a couple of things we needed, including alcohol for this week at the cottage we’ve rented

Then when we got home and i was chatting on skype with Simon i started to break down. I don’t know what it is about money and things that revolve around money that really throw me out of the water. We were just chatting about nothing and i started crying. I couldn’t keep a face on, i just let myself break down.

It’s annoying showing others when I’m vulnerable, and i don’t like it, but what am i supposed to do?

Im scared and i’m worried. What if the money doesn’t last. What if i don’t find a place to live in that i’m happy with. What if, what if, what if. I hate money. I hate worrying about having it and not having it. About being able to live with it and live without it. I just don’t like it. Its too much, it gives me stomach pains and makes me want to curl into a ball and die. I can’t handle it.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

so throughout the entire movie i was teary-eyed. simon.. well let’s just say he’s a man and men don’t cry either way we’re going to play an online game of pool now to cheer up a a bit. nothing like a good sad film to make you realize you can get through your daily problems!

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ’support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

just one of those days were nothing could put a smile on my face. everything hurts. anything could break me down into tears. i don’t know why i’m so unhappy, but i just want an out. i want happiness. i don’t wanna feel like this anymore. i don’t wanna be alone.

Woke up a little while ago. I’ve slept like shit and I’m in a foul mood today. I want nothing more than to stay in bed all day and do nothing. The weathers shit outside and I’m tired as well. Is there even a point in doing anything? Might get something to eat and then just go back to sleep, can’t be asked feeling like this.

i feel so alone. that’s what it is. that’s why i was upset this morning as well. i feel alone. i miss my parents. i miss my sister. i miss my friends. i miss it all. im missing out. my sister gets to go to dallas and see my mamma and i know how much fun and whatnot they’ll have and im jealous. im jealous of the people finished for the summer. im jealous of my friends in sweden just graduating and celebrating everything. friends in dallas laying out by the pool doing NOTHING, not a care in the world. why can’t i be there? instead im stuck here with two weeks left, with a lot of work to do and no motivation. none what so ever. i want to get out. i might actually just go to the park alone. get some air, a breather.

woke up feeling tired tired tired. but i dragged myself out of bed, and then went to get breakfast. boy’s flat door was locked. so i had to wait till one of them got back from their exam for some food. not having food always makes me grumpy. ate breakfast. and now i’m just sat here feeling really angry for some reason. maybe it was because i started looking at flats and realized i have no money, and will not be able to afford anything. debbie downer i know, but whatever. pissed off, going to do some bullshit work for uni and whatever. maybe take a walk just because it’s so nice outside, and that will have to cheer me up.