[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-0kAd_ax3g[/youtube]

i never thought i’d let myself go this far. i never thought that Ed would come back to haunt me in a way i never knew he was capable of. ever since friday i’ve lost control. it started before that, but i still had the reigns, now i’ve handed them back over to Ed and i’m struggling to control what little bit of dignity i have left.

when i was in treatment i meet a hand full of people who were anorexics and whom had then recovered, but relapsed to bulimia. for some reason i just figured that relapsing to anorexia from bulimia was a silly idea, how could that ever happen?

i haven’t lost the plot completely, but i’m struggling more now than i have in the three years i’ve been recovered.

i feel constantly tired. my hands wont stop shaking. i’m cold and nothing will warm me up. i can’t sleep, i don’t want to eat. i have to force feed myself the little bits of food throughout the day. i feel ill, my body is telling me it needs nutrients but Ed doesn’t want to give them to me.

i feel like i’ve reached a new low in my life. i feel like all the recovery talk was just bullshit, and that in fact i am still very very fucked up in the head. i fear that i will never ever be okay, i will never recover from this. i will never be able to fix what my disorder has lead me to do. i feel like it’s easier to throw in the towel and let him win, rather then fight for the control of my own mind and body.

i will never be the respectable girl i strove to be. i will always be the friend that others can depend on to fuck up, a lot. i will always disrespect myself, and i will never be able to love the girl in the mirror. nor will anyone else ever be able to love my mistakes and i as a whole.

i didn’t mean for this to happen, i don’t know why i let it, and it feels like it’s easier to just leave everything the way it is.

i don’t want to think anymore, i don’t want to feel. i just want to be.

i’m not even worried about my body at the moment, but my psych is so down that my body is the one suffering for my emotional mistakes.

it is what it is.

i can feel my life slipping through the cracks of my fingers, like sand just blowing away in the wind. i don’t know what to do to stop it. i don’t know how to go about feeling alive and happy anymore.

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ‘support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.

im not going to go through details right now because im not sure how my family feels about this. i dont believe in keeping my ‘personal’ life out of my blog because this is my life. my life out in the open for you guys to read. i depend on this blog to keep me strong, its an out for me to put all my frustration into. its kept me sane and healthy for a while now and i cant thank my angels enough for all the help they’ve given me. a tragedy hit my family, and ive never dealt with death before. even though i didnt know you super well, it still hurts. it hurts to know everyone else is hurting to. however, your in a better place. you can finally be free. we love you and miss you terribly. may you rest in peace.

but i feel so much better. so me and dad went to the gym and i fought off my anger. all my thoughts i put aside, i put everything into that damn elliptical machine. so now im in a good place. my happy place. i remember they told us when i was in treatment to pick a happy place and always go there when we were feeling urges. my happy place was with my sister. i dont know where exactly we were then, but it just ended up being anywhere. today is one month until one year that ive been drug free and in recovery from bulimia. so yeah that post earlier can suck it. im not in a bad place, everyones allowed to feel down about things. the difference now though is that im not going to sit there and let the sadness take over me. i did something about it. so yeah tomorrow im going on a job hunt! get ready dublin, here i come

oj oj oj. the hell i went through to get my life back. first step was telling my parents i was sick. the response i got wasnt what i expected, but then again can you expect anything? i told them i was sick and that i throw up a lot, so they naturally asked if i had gotten food poisoning. through my tears i told them that it was worse than that. i throw up several times, every day, for a while now. naturally they were shocked. i dont think my dad knew how to respond, he was quiet. mom asked me ‘what’s wrong with you’. i was mad at her at the time for being to careless and it took a while before i realized she didnt mean any harm by what she said and that she as well was shocked. i mean how can you not me? im sitting there telling them that i have been slowly but surely willingly killing myself everyday for the past couple of years. the first step was seeing a psychiatrist. she sucked. so why do you throw up? have any siblings? do you do well in school? oh you throw up THAT much? thats quite often. no shit you dumbass. im sitting here crying my eyes out trying to explain to some old lady why i have bulimia. if i knew i wouldve fixed myself. idiot. so after several tests they kindly explained that i was SEVERELY depressed and that they were sorry but they couldnt help me. great. now what? they recommended we try Children’s Hospital in Dallas. to me this sounded a bit far away and weird. by the time all this had happened things at home only got worse. my compulsive lying sure wasnt making things easier. i told my parents that some foods were easier for me to eat than others, lie. i never admitted to the drugs, another hidden lie. no matter what they tried, they tried so hard to help me. i still threw up. i think the first time my mom fully realized i was sick was when we bought a loaf of bread one afternoon, and when she woke up in the morning it was gone. i went on a binge and lets just say its like flushing money down the toilet. i couldnt control myself. it wasnt me in my body. it was like my eating disorder came into my body and mind and pushed me aside. i wasnt hungry, i didnt want to eat. yet in the middle of the night there i am standing with the fridge open shoving things into my mouth and sneaking food upstairs. im not going to say what i did to throw up because i dont want to trigger anyone or give any ‘suggestions’. i in NO WAY want this to help someone reach their ‘bulimic’ goals. its sickening and wrong, i suggest you get help before its too late. it doesnt have to consume you and your life. you can live happy. you can be free. all im going to say is that after all the years of throwing up, i didnt have to do anything anymore. all i did was bend over and it all came flowing out. mom took me to our family doctor one day and of course i had taken adderall that day. i didnt think about anything and they took blood tests and i had to pee in two cups. afterwards i realized, shit they are going to drug test me. it was too late to worry about that. mom got a call from the doctor saying they found non-normal amounts of various substances in my blood and pee. i tried to lie my way out of that too. ‘i only take adderall because it helps me study’, ‘its not a drug’, ‘i dont even feel it’. it didnt work. i dont remember all to well these months blurred together for me since i wasnt at my best state of mind and my body was not feeling to well. i did stupid stuff, i stole alcohol from my parents, and then when they found out and took it back, i took it back again. they found out and yelled at me and i tried to get out of it by saying it was my bulimia and i hate them for blaming me. wtf? what was i thinking. school was nonexistent. i sat there, and thats about it. i didnt talk to anyone, i just sat. i was a zombie. the morning of going to Children’s i got dressed in my normal school uniform. got ready, got in the car, had my backpack and everything. drank my daily red bull (sugar free of course). once we got there we had a meeting and everyone decided that inpatient would be the best thing for me. so i figured we’d choose a date when i could come back. no. thats not how it went. they stripped me of my belongings. no phone. no purse. nothing. mom and dad left and i was left alone in a scary place. we ate six times a day and at first i refused. i wouldnt do it. whenever my parents came i would bawl. tell them to take me home. i hated it there. it was ten times worse than hell. all the girls asked me whats your name? why are you here? and all i could do was cry, and cry, and cry. over time though things got easier. at the end of my ‘stay’ i was healthier. i could say my name and bulimia without even thinking about it. i was okay, i was going to survive. i would not let my disease get the best of me. it was the hardest thing ive ever been through my entire life, but i wouldnt be who i am today without it. i worked hard to get better, i did it with the help of my support network, family, and friends. i hope everyone out there suffering realizes that it doesnt have to be a lifestyle. you can change. you can live again. i hope you get the help. if you need help and dont know where to get it, leave a comment.. leave your name anonymous and just write your email. ill send you an email and try to help the best i can.