After a couple of days of looking out over the water and seeing some people parasail Simon and I decided to go for it. I’m generally scared of heights and after a tiny scream, we were up in the air and it was so worth it. Was really cool and would love to do it again.. maybe for a bit longer this time

Landing in the water was a bit creepy though, figured they’d slow down a bit more but apparently NOT, haha. I got my hair wet, but not my bun? looked a state when we got out the water.

laying in bed, watching random tv episodes. trying to avoid the crime ones, they make me scared to go to bed in the dark. im a big baby i know.

just gonna hop into my pj’s and then hopefully get an early night, this headache is killing me.

going to stay/meet simon’s grandparents this evening. sort of scared, and i know simon will only wind me up even more on the train. they live in Winchester, a bit outside of London. all i can think of is winchestertonfield iowa, from mr.deeds haha!

anyways off to buy something so i don’t show up empty handed, wouldn’t be a very good first impression.

today is my first midterm. although i know what will be on it, i am still freaked out. scared i might fail, or freeze up in the middle of it and just forget everything i know. aaaah, just need to stay positive, revise a bit before class and i’ll be good..hopefully.

i don’t know where to start, and i don’t know what i really want to say this with blog-post.

i guess i just thought i was in a bubble, and nobody could burst my bubble. i’ve been in this bubble for a while now as well.

my parents were worried when i moved to London. drugs everywhere.. apparently. for a full year i didn’t see anything, apart from when i went “home” to dallas. after all it was the heroin capital of the united states for a while.. still is?

don’t think i’m an idiot, obviously there’s drugs in London, probably a whole lot to be honest. but i tried. i tried my hardest to stay away from them. druggies are like magnets, where there is one there is a million. and i know how easily i could be lured into that.

i was a bit naive, i did ignore some signs. i did ignore words that came from his mouth. i ignored it all.

leaving station court and london metropolitan university may have been the best thing i have ever done for myself. i’m genuinely happy, i enjoy going to my classes, and i learn from my coursework. i know this makes me sound like the biggest dork in the world, but i don’t care. i go to school to learn. so i can then get a good job that pays. live a good life, and be healthy.

i’ve lost good friends to drugs. they chose the drug over me. granted i chose drugs over my friends for a period of time as well, but that’s not the point. the point is that i thought i had lost someone who i cared for. someone who always was honest with me, someone who cared. and when that person confronted me and told me how it was.. i was elated. FINALLY, someone who isn’t an idiot. someone who won’t give in. someone who said NO.

i’ve started to censor my blog posts because of the people who read them might get ‘offended’, but i’m past that. i don’t give a fuck if you’re offended anymore. if your stupid enough to snort that shit, then you’re probably too stupid to realize this is me telling you to stop.

i will not surround myself with negative energy. i’m in too much of a good place to be around it. i won’t be around that shit anymore, it’s not me.

i wish things could be different, but it’s not my place to say, so things will stay the same. you could be such good people, but instead your flushing it down the drain. it’s such a shame.

so simon and i are off to court tomorrow in tower bridge. it happened a long time ago, but it was at ministry of sound when someone bit simon. yeah, not looking forward to this. no clue where we’re supposed to be or what i’m supposed to say or do. scared.

in a really weird mood today. last night was good. it’s laura’s birthday today so we got her a cupcake and sang happy birthday at midnight. then when everyone decided to go to bed, irish alex and i managed to stay up till 4 chatting away. girls.

going to look at a room to rent today in primrose hill.. a bit scared, i dont know why, i just am. then after dinner i’m going to meet up with allie at leicester square!

im jealous. i am jealous of the people in the states finished with their first year at college. the people in sweden graduating. the people who know where their life is going. the people on their way to being graduated. the people getting to start fresh, and choose a school. here i am sat in the dark, wondering if i can even pass this year. if i don’t pass i loose my place at regent’s college. if i don’t i have no clue what to do. i don’t want to waste another year. i don’t want to do it. i don’t want to leave london. i don’t know how i’ll handle it. im scared. what if i fall apart. what if i turn back to what i was. if i pass i’ll still be worried. no place to live. no clue where to look for a place to live. no clue what to look for. no clue if i’ll be happy. no clue if it’ll be close enough to the college. no idea if i’ll be able to keep in touch with people from halls. scared to test my relationship. im scared. im scared i’ll be forgotten. replaced. placed in a line of importance. im scared of change.

i cant even form a sentence to write on here right now. my minds racing everywhere, frantic and i cant seem to get it to stop. just this morning i was thinking to myself how long its been since ive had any urges and how good ive been. its a full year in 18 days and now here i am feeling the way i did back then. im hungry but instead of eating i enjoy the empty feeling. i feel like i cant trust myself. i feel out of control. i hate whats going on right now. its hard to deal with. i wish i had someone else here to help me.i know its selfish and childish too even. but i have a feeling that even if i was 40 i wouldnt be made to handle this. why is it that at a time like this our whole family has to be separated? just to make things harder.. take me away. some place far far away. where i can just forget about everything and live in denial. pretend that lifes a fairy tale, and that im the princess.

i wouldnt survive a day in my life without my sister, emmelie. shes the best sister ever. i know i say this over and over again but its true. without her i dont think i wouldve stayed strong throughout my battle with bulimia and drugs. she helped me in so many ways. and recently my trip to sweden was a bit of a wake up call. emmelie let me stay with her, even though im not much of a help around the house. she practically fixed all the paperwork for my student loan, and helped me get my ass in gear. sometimes you need someone to push you, and thats just what i needed. its time to grow up and well, i just dont want to. i want to live this comfortable life for as long as i can, always someone looking after me, having my back, taking care of me. im scared that things will turn sour in london, but im more determined now than ever to make it. after all ive got my sister to guide me on how she made it im extremely proud of her and happy to be able to say shes my hero. in my eyes shes the most beautiful woman on this earth. love you sis, thanks a bunch for everything.