im locking myself away from people. im hiding. im pushing away. i dont want them to know that i feel like bursting out crying every minute of the day. the fact that i could easily cry myself to sleep every night feels pathetic enough. i dont want to show that im hurting inside. that im falling apart. that i took my clothes off to shower and saw my stomach and thighs and broke down and cried for half an hour. that every time i think about eating i want to hurl. that i hate my body. i hate myself. university is still shit and now i actually have to keep going if i want to keep my place at EBS for the fall. i broke down today. after working hard all day and then my plaster for my model went everywhere i gave up. i ripped it apart and told myself to leave it. i fucking hate that bullshit they call coursework. its not. its a waste of my time and i cant believe im doing it. it makes me so furious, i get upset and i end in tears every time i try to work. i absolutely hate it. i want to throw in the towel. i want to leave it behind me but i cant. the same way  i want to walk away from my eating disorder, but i cant.

it hurts. it hurts to be honest with yourself. it hurts when others are honest with you. and it hurts when you honest to other people. certain things i dont want to hear. i just dont. i dont care what you mean by saying it i still dont want to hear it. it doesnt matter if its a positive thing, its just some things are better kept to yourself. things are great right now. except for the fact that im in daycare instead of university. but i dont know what i want for next year anymore. im thinking about taking another year off and finding myself again. things have changed so much. i know nothing will be the same next year. things will change and it hurts to think about it. i dont want to give up on school but at the moment ive got absolutely no drive at all. i couldnt give less about the shit im doing at university right now. its all a waste of my time. why should i even bother wasting my time caring about it? its not like i get real grades or anything. sometimes i wish everything would be so different. the same goes for the people here. i loved some people when i moved here, and i hated some. its like thats all changed. the people i disliked are the ones i like now, and the ones i liked im not too fond of anymore. im just tired of thinking and caring about my future. i just wanna do some business degree and get it over with. im not gunna find what i love in life by doing things the way i am now anyways. things are really starting to upset me and i wish i didnt have certain feelings. i wish i could feel nothing like i used to. i wish i didnt care. i want someone to push me in a direction where i have no control. its easier. do the work. hate school. still do the work. do it. and be done. just like high school. cant be bothered giving a fuck anymore. if im studying architecture then why the fuck do they expect me to turn in a photography assignment? if i wanted to do that i wouldve gone photography. fucking idiots. i swear to god im so pissed off with the choices ive made. i shouldve stayed another year in high school and then taken a year off now. but i didnt because i got sick. not even sick, i was mentally fucked. substance abuse. really? bulimia. really? what the fuck. i dont understand how i could fuck up so bad. and at the same time it is good that i didnt stay. i never wouldve gotten better in plano. i know it. and i know i can never move back because of the temptations. i just dont know anything at all anymore.

retaking my SAT’s this morning. of course i couldn’t sleep. so i’ve got about 4 hours or so of sleep and i feel really reaaaally nauseous. think i might throw up, and if i do let’s just hope its not during the test :/ wish me luck?

decision: unsuccessful. i feel unsuccessful. im hurt. angered. disappointed. irritated. upset. all of it. i feel it. was all that hard work i did in high school for absolutely nothing? i dont like being rejected. im not used to it. im used to getting what i want. i know it sounds horrible. but ive always succeeded. everything ive done, even if i hated it in the beginning and everything was terrible i did it eventually. i passed those dreaded AP classes. i recovered from substance abuse. bulimia. depression. that should say something. yet im not good enough for university. im happy. for once im fucking happy. i love london. it makes me feel alive when im there. stockholm doesnt give me that feeling anymore. neither does dublin. and i dont want to start over yet again. im tired. and i know what will happen eventually if i go back to dallas. if things dont work out at the school im at now im so unbelievably screwed. i dont want to leave london. its not fair. ive worked too damn hard at being happy and finding lovely friends to have to leave it all behind. the stupid SAT test im taking tomorrow morning is pointless because i can already tell you im not good enough. i know that. but finding it out over and over again hurts so fucking bad.

okay so the blog has been down. for ages i know. but it hasn’t been working, not my fault!!! i’ve come to so many conclusions in the last week it’s unbelievable and i’ve been so mad that my blog hasn’t been working as well. nothing at station court has changed and to be honest nothing ever will. british will be the way they are for forever, and as much as i despise parts of them.. i have to live with it, and i love some of them as well . i also realized how much i fucking love london. i dont want to leave here. i dont even want to live in sweden again. i love love love love love love london. its an amazing city. the people ive met and truly adore i want to keep for the rest of my life. they’re great friends. im not ready to leave this behind just because i cant get into a stupid university. im so sick of getting no’s. it’s not fair. i have the grades. ive done the work. so fuck you. im not going back to dallas. i know what will eventually happen. i will grow weak. i will do drugs and im not doing it. im not putting myself in that situation! i love stockholm but at the same time its too much like home. i want to be independent. i love being here. ive been happy here. i dont want to give it up because of university. i’d rather take a year off and try again. that’s not something i would even have considered a year ago.

been spending my day studying for my SAT’s coming up in January. it’s going to be a lot harder than i thought. been out of school for so long, forgot a lot. mostly the geometry stuff though, so hopefully ill catch up in time! anyways back to my practice tests now.. yay.. haha

its kelly’s birthday!! granted its 3 in the morning, hihi. still had to celebrate a bit. im dead tired at the moment though. got a portfolio review tomorrow with my course leader which i’ve been working on all day so im prepared, still scared though. know im not nearly up to the standard that they want, but i just cant be bothered. i dont like it. i dont want to stick around anymore. i wanna do math and physics. i wanna study concrete materials. i want tests. i want something to show for my work. not just sketches.. guess i was wrong.

ive got a long day ahead of me. got up at 730 this morning. all on my own as well. no calls needed. however i think staying awake all day will be the problem. actually no, ill be busy so i cant really just sleep then! plus i dont need that much sleep anyways, its just something depression wants. anyways going to uni for a full day, using all the supplies i bought yesterday! clay and plaster.. this could get messy! we’ll see what happens.

fuck. overslept and missed my first lecture today, not good. oh well im going in after lunch to my second one at least. although im not gunna lie, motivation is nonexistant at the moment. going to see new moon tonight as well, cant wait to see it. think we’re gunna have a pretty chilled out weekend here. wearing american apparel tights and a normal tank. cant be bothered getting ready just to go outside in the drizzle hehe.

back in london now. landed last night and i swear the tube ride took longer than the actual flight. good thing i had new music to listen to on the journey! got home and saw everyone. doesnt seem like i missed much over the weekend to be honest, you get filled in pretty quickly on what went down. some people ordered pizza’s last night and chilled. already miss my dad! it was so hard getting out of bed this morning to go to uni. did not want to go. still dont want to be here but its a group project so i dont really have a choice do i? bleh. going to find the gym tomorrow and see how much it is to sign up, seems like its about time i do something productive. haha.