watching a bit of the superbowl cause i can’t sleep.so tired but my throat hurts too much and i can barely breathe

by the way Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem.. but she messed up some of the words! fail fail fail.

going to try to sleep again, doubtful it’s going to happen. calling the doctors office for an appointment first thing in the morning!

sitting here watching a tv show called “superskinny vs. supersized” and i’m disgusted by the fat people and jealous of the skinny ones. im scared to go back to what i was. i never had problems with my face before but now i look at pictures and say i’ve got a chubby face. i look at pictures from a while ago and think i was pretty. now im not. when i think about it the ‘pretty’ pictures are always from when i was sick. from when i was stuffing myself full until bursting point and hurling myself into the bathroom. just today i was looking up diet pills on the internet and then asked myself what the hell is going on? why am i doing this? is ed back? is my bulimia trying to push me over the edge again? because i wont do it. i know ill never be happy with my body or who i am, but i can exercise. i can workout, and i can eat healthy. i can live my life without drugs, pills, and sickness. i can live a good life. i dont need an illness to make me feel good enough.

so two days ago marked the day that ive been free from the grasp of bulimia for a full year. no bingeing, purging. of course its been a battle, some days have been worse than others, but ive made it. with each passing day its become easier to resist the temptations and be able to say to myself that i can live a normal life without all the complications. i remember vividly each day that i battled for thinness, when it really didnt matter. i lost weight and when i got to my ‘ideal weight’ i decided it wasnt good enough. with bulimia nothing is ever good enough. no matter how skinny you become, your eating disorder is there in your head telling you that your still worthless, a fat cow, and that you dont even deserve the friends and family that you have. its an evil game that continues in a downward spiral and i hate the way it trapped my life. it took many things away from me and my family and im determined to never let it happen again. for most people bulimia, and other eating disorders, are a lifelong battle. im happy to be able to say that ive so far made it a full year. of course it took a while after the hospital for me to stop. ive had plenty of relapses but the important thing to remember is that you cant give in. i refused to let my eating disorder ruin my life. i wasnt destined to rot away sitting by the toilet. bulimia took so many precious moments from my life away and theres no other way to get those moments back than to never let it happen again. of course i still have my doubts, i dont love love love my body, and i very seldom have an urge, but ive made it this far so whats to say i cant make it all the way? i still feel comfort in bathrooms, but now i dont depend on the toilet or the release that came with it. i depend on myself, to make the right choices and decisions. i also have my friends and family to guide me through it all. ive been to hell and i promise you im never going back. and even if in the future i have a relapse or some kind of set back i will take it upon myself to see that it is only short lived. i deserve the most from my life and im not going to let some disease take it away from me.

last night i stayed up until like 4 a.m. talking to jonas on skype always nice to hear a friendly voice. this might be taboo for you americans, but im gunna write about it anyways. i take birth control cause my cramps are deadly. so yesterday i put in a new birth control ring (i dont have to eat a pill everyday). so while talking to jonas i started feeling nauseous. i took some ginger capsules (helps against the nausea) and ate some food. then when i went to bed i was fine, woke up at 6 a.m. decided to take some more ginger cause i felt horrible, but i guess i didnt take them in time. ended up throwing them up, but im thinking some of it was released into my system. normally ill lay awake shaking from the nausea and sickness and throw up for hours on end, but this morning it was only once so im thinking ill get this under control soon. you learn for every month. at least i dont feel sick EVERYDAY like i used to now. im getting somewhere!