There’s a swedish blogger who is rather rich and famous, she’s gained weight in the last couple of years it’s pretty obvious yet she’s happy with who she is (at least she says so). She’s curvy and enjoys food, there’s nothing wrong with that. i think it’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with being skinny either.

me.. im on the curvy side and even if i enjoy food, i don’t enjoy my body. but i know that there are those people out there who don’t have curves, and that can’t be the easiest battle either.

i think it’s brave to embrace your own body and i just wish i could be happy with mine!

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DChHEf0lpEE[/youtube]

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

a pair of light colored jeans for the cooler days, converse for walking around in, an everyday bag to take to the park, and of course a spring jacket.  my leather jacket is completely messed up, its falling apart at the seams (literally) and the zipper doesn’t even work.. sigh.

Don’t let me get me ..I’m my own worst enemy. Its bad when you annoy yourself ..so irritating! Don’t wanna be my friend no more. I wanna be somebody else.

used to love watching it when i lived in the states. the girls are gorgeous there’s no doubt about it.

looking through the pictures i found myself thinking ‘i need to get to the gym,’ ‘i need to stop eating junk food,’ ‘my thighs are too fat,’ ect ect.

then i thought again, who am i to compare myself to a super model? why should they be the ideal set for the rest of us?

they’re supposedly the ‘most gorgeous girls in the world,’ and there’s no doubt about the fact that the girls are stunning, but their bodies…? aren’t a few of them a little bit too skinny? do guys actually find them that attractive? would my boyfriend prefer a girl with legs twice the length of my upper torso?

maybe i’m being stupid.

however, at the end of the day girls should be happy with their own bodies. you can’t change genetics, but you can change the way you see yourself.

the models are only human, and seeing her bum in this picture makes me feel a little bit better about myself, as bad as that is.

i just can’t take it anymore.

i’ve been on birth control for at least 5 years now, not because of sex, but because my menstrual periods are terrible. pain, agony, sickness, headaches, backaches, just couldn’t deal with it.

i didn’t think my birth control made me gain weight. mostly because when i switched from brand to brand my weight stayed the same. however, now that i’ve started on yet another one, i’ve lost weight.

at first i was delighted, i hadn’t moved a muscle or anything and the weight just simply fell off me. now, not so much.

i guess it’s just my eating disorder trying to come out and play again. but it’s just so ridiculously frustrating. will i ever be happy? will my boobs ever be big enough? will my stomach be flat enough? will my butt be alright?  will my thighs be lean enough? will i EVER be good enough for myself?

i just wish i could be happy with my body and embrace it. but instead i loathe it. i hate certain parts and i fixate on them. i’m not comfortable with clothes on. i’m not comfortable naked. i’m just uncomfortable all the fucking time.

it’s the hardest thing i think i’ve had to deal with in a long time. gaining weight, it’s pretty obvious that i’m not gunna be estatic about it, but loosing weight and i’m even more upset.. i don’t understand.

i’m lost. i’m so lost, and i just hope that i don’t get lost with ED.

so i got a question on formspring and i figured i’d put it on here as well cause you never know who it might help. so here goes nothing…

How do you not feel guilty about what you have eaten? I’m struggling with an eating disorder, and sometimes I can go out to a restaurant and not feel bad..but other times(like today) I feel soooo guilty and bad about what I ate at the restaurant.Any tips?

oh dear. it is a constant struggle. i can tell you even after recovery and coming up on two years free from bulimia (yay!) i still struggle. the key is to keep busy. after eating don’t just sit on your bum (no i dont mean exercise) and feel bad about yourself. go on facebook, play with a dog, talk to your friends. just keep your mind busy while your stomach gets over that initial reaction. then afterwards you might still feel guilty but why? your body needs food to survive. you need food. as much as you hate it you NEED it. now if you’re a binger like i was, the key is to eat at a normal pace. i guess what im trying to say is to just be content with it. don’t pick the salad cause it’ll make you feel better, work at small paces. learn to listen to your moods as well, what foods make you feel guilty? maybe try to stay away from those on bad days.

so two days ago marked the day that ive been free from the grasp of bulimia for a full year. no bingeing, purging. of course its been a battle, some days have been worse than others, but ive made it. with each passing day its become easier to resist the temptations and be able to say to myself that i can live a normal life without all the complications. i remember vividly each day that i battled for thinness, when it really didnt matter. i lost weight and when i got to my ‘ideal weight’ i decided it wasnt good enough. with bulimia nothing is ever good enough. no matter how skinny you become, your eating disorder is there in your head telling you that your still worthless, a fat cow, and that you dont even deserve the friends and family that you have. its an evil game that continues in a downward spiral and i hate the way it trapped my life. it took many things away from me and my family and im determined to never let it happen again. for most people bulimia, and other eating disorders, are a lifelong battle. im happy to be able to say that ive so far made it a full year. of course it took a while after the hospital for me to stop. ive had plenty of relapses but the important thing to remember is that you cant give in. i refused to let my eating disorder ruin my life. i wasnt destined to rot away sitting by the toilet. bulimia took so many precious moments from my life away and theres no other way to get those moments back than to never let it happen again. of course i still have my doubts, i dont love love love my body, and i very seldom have an urge, but ive made it this far so whats to say i cant make it all the way? i still feel comfort in bathrooms, but now i dont depend on the toilet or the release that came with it. i depend on myself, to make the right choices and decisions. i also have my friends and family to guide me through it all. ive been to hell and i promise you im never going back. and even if in the future i have a relapse or some kind of set back i will take it upon myself to see that it is only short lived. i deserve the most from my life and im not going to let some disease take it away from me.