words cannot explain how grateful i am for my parents. thanks to them i’ve got a lovely studio off of marylebone rd.

its got it’s own bathroom, kitchen, and a little patio even! and in 7 days i get to move in. im sure there will be a lot of cleaning and fixing up but isn’t that the best thing about having your own place? doing things your way.

then in a month i start university at regent’s and it’s gunna be good. i’ll make it good.

GOOD-BYE STATION COURT, I WONT MISS YA!

having a little wine with the girls tonight, after all it is friday. back to old traditions here at station court hehe.

no but it’s been nice to get away and then come back with a clear head. spend some time with people before we all go our separate ways. can’t say i’ll miss everything or everyone from here, (specially not the dick heads beneath me), but it’s been a good lesson in life.

im jealous. i am jealous of the people in the states finished with their first year at college. the people in sweden graduating. the people who know where their life is going. the people on their way to being graduated. the people getting to start fresh, and choose a school. here i am sat in the dark, wondering if i can even pass this year. if i don’t pass i loose my place at regent’s college. if i don’t i have no clue what to do. i don’t want to waste another year. i don’t want to do it. i don’t want to leave london. i don’t know how i’ll handle it. im scared. what if i fall apart. what if i turn back to what i was. if i pass i’ll still be worried. no place to live. no clue where to look for a place to live. no clue what to look for. no clue if i’ll be happy. no clue if it’ll be close enough to the college. no idea if i’ll be able to keep in touch with people from halls. scared to test my relationship. im scared. im scared i’ll be forgotten. replaced. placed in a line of importance. im scared of change.

back in student halls again. no air conditioning. a loud train station only a few meters away. dirty. messy. loud. and to think only a few days ago i was sleeping like royalty in a beautiful chateaux..

went out last night (again i know…) but it was okay, cause simon somehow won money? and we had free entry so it was a cheap night for me! plus had to be in uni today so we took it pretty easy, unlike some. two girls the guys met when they went skiing come around and the girls came out with the guys, so there was a fair amount of us. except alex and irish stayed in so i wasn’t loving it on the way out. got there and the stupid self-adhesive bra i’ve got WOULD NOT stay on for the life of it.

i was so uncomfortable and frustrated and then simon pissed me off even more i was ready to go back home. but then we went outside for a breather and chatted it out and everything was alright again. or maybe the alcohol kicked in either way people smelled in the place and it wasn’t the best place i’ve ever been to. not to keen on going there again to be honest, although the prices were pretty good. also when i was stood at the bar a girl came up to me and asked if what i was wearing was from american apparel, shocked i said yes and then realized i recognized her! it was one of jules friends that i had met before and apparently she works at american apparel and they need people at the moment so hopefully she can put a good word in for me it would be AMAZING. got frustrated with some people on the bus on the way home cause this guy rolled a joint and lit it up right then and there. one of the girls was feeling sick so they had a go at him and night buses are never fun. always something happens.

so the last day without the boys was yesterday, granted i missed simon like no other but it was still nice to just be us. for the kitchen to stay clean. for the flat to be quite. for some girl time. we went to camden to soak up the lovely weather and i had a nice pub lunch. i know it doesn’t sound nice but there’s nothing like a fresh salad when the sun is shining outside. we had a few drinks and just spent the day lounging around. very nice! planned to go out for our last night but when we got in everyone was too tired and lazy, no regrets there! simon came and woke me up at 5 when id gone to bed at like 2-3. bet my breath was a nice welcome home present, ha!

it’s about time someone invents one. or at least a simpler and faster way to travel. flying is such a pain. definitely had a huge blonde moment yesterday and didn’t quite get to the airport on time. and of course ryan air is such a greaaaat company that i didn’t have to pay 100 pounds or anything just because i missed my flight. waste of money i swear. ugh i was so mad i thought i was just going to sit down and cry. ridiculous. anyways im here now. after a lovely trip. naaawt. but its whatever. im in love!!! emmelies apartment is amazing. its so cute and comfy. i love it. then again i could love anything compared to station court right now, haha.

back in London now. arrived somewhat early this morning, even though my flight was an hour and a half delayed! first there were 11 people on standby, then when we finally got on the plane there was a random security check. so all the bags they had just put in had to be taken out and put back in again. then the owners of the bags who didn’t pass the security check had to get off the plane and ohhh a waste of my time honestly. usually i have no problem flying. quite used to it, dont get too jeglagged anymore either. however this time was different. couldnt sleep. couldnt sit still. then i got sick and felt like i would throw up any minute. not fun. however simon was at the airport waiting for me and then helped me get my bag back here and now im just struggling to stay awake! had to sneak a nap in today as well.. oops. needed it though i was like a walking zombie. let me just say i already miss the sanitary apartment my mother lives in. this place is a pig stein and its gross. home sweet home until september!

i was so happy. so happy. i haven’t felt that way in ages. i had an amazing weekend with my dad. i was happy when i got back. felt fine. confident even. and tonight it all went to shit. i hate it. i hate being me. i hate being so damn insecure. i hate the fact that one person can ruin everything for me. im tired of feeling like this.i want to be happy. i want to enjoy being alive. i dont want to drag myself out of bed in the morning. i dont want going to school to be a struggle in the morning. i dont want this anymore. i want a life. a good one. i was so happy for the last year, and its all gone down the drain. i dont want to go back to what i was. i cant handle it anymore. im about to give up. as much as i want to stay strong, theres people always pulling me down.

I USED TO CARE A LOT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT OF ME. THEN I LEARNED I DEFINITELY CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE. SOME PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU & SOME PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU BUT I DON’T REALLY CARE EITHER WAY, I’M NOT LOSING SLEEP OVER IT.