Decided to get back on the right path, considering this three day headache and exams next week i thought I’d start by eating better. So lunch was mozzarella and tomato sandwich with an orange. Now after my two lectures I’m going to the gym as well.

Am I doing this just to avoid all the reading and assignments I have to do?

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-0kAd_ax3g[/youtube]

i never thought i’d let myself go this far. i never thought that Ed would come back to haunt me in a way i never knew he was capable of. ever since friday i’ve lost control. it started before that, but i still had the reigns, now i’ve handed them back over to Ed and i’m struggling to control what little bit of dignity i have left.

when i was in treatment i meet a hand full of people who were anorexics and whom had then recovered, but relapsed to bulimia. for some reason i just figured that relapsing to anorexia from bulimia was a silly idea, how could that ever happen?

i haven’t lost the plot completely, but i’m struggling more now than i have in the three years i’ve been recovered.

i feel constantly tired. my hands wont stop shaking. i’m cold and nothing will warm me up. i can’t sleep, i don’t want to eat. i have to force feed myself the little bits of food throughout the day. i feel ill, my body is telling me it needs nutrients but Ed doesn’t want to give them to me.

i feel like i’ve reached a new low in my life. i feel like all the recovery talk was just bullshit, and that in fact i am still very very fucked up in the head. i fear that i will never ever be okay, i will never recover from this. i will never be able to fix what my disorder has lead me to do. i feel like it’s easier to throw in the towel and let him win, rather then fight for the control of my own mind and body.

i will never be the respectable girl i strove to be. i will always be the friend that others can depend on to fuck up, a lot. i will always disrespect myself, and i will never be able to love the girl in the mirror. nor will anyone else ever be able to love my mistakes and i as a whole.

i didn’t mean for this to happen, i don’t know why i let it, and it feels like it’s easier to just leave everything the way it is.

i don’t want to think anymore, i don’t want to feel. i just want to be.

i’m not even worried about my body at the moment, but my psych is so down that my body is the one suffering for my emotional mistakes.

it is what it is.

i am the person i’ve always been. i haven’t changed a bit. i still hurt the ones that love me the most. i’m still just a stupid little girl who thinks she’s bigger and better. the worst part is that ed’s back, and i know he wants to stay.

headache again today. i think it’s because this is where it all begins again. deadline after deadline, coursework after presentation after coursework. not to mention most of it is group work.. which i despise.. so not to excited. hopefully it’ll go okay though.

need to start working on my law assignment, its due in next week pretty much.. then there’s the history essay, and the hrm presentation, and the marketing plan.. my oh my.

only 7 more weeks.. until… work? summer school? who knows whats gonna happen. need to sort things out asap.

so tomorrow don’t expect an update until afternoon/night. i’ve managed to waste a whole day today. i went to find paper, yet again. this fucking paper is ruining everything. anyways, enough anger for today. it’s a bank holiday, for god knows what reason. so no, the shops weren’t open. so tomorrow morning i’m going to buy that god damned paper. mount spray. mount my drawings. and then throw my portfolio in my course leader’s fucking face (not literally). i just wanna be finished. i wanna turn it in and never have to think about it again. i will fail, i’m setting myself up for failure. and you know what? you learn from your mistakes. yes this year was a mistake and i’ve learned that london metropolitan university is shit, and architecture is not for me. done. after i realized the shops were closed Simon who came along to help left me to go to a friends birthday, and as soon as i switched tubes i realized that my key was locked in his room and his room was locked. so yep. no gym. no clothes. no work. no computer. no nothing. thankfully jaz was around and he let me in the gates, and then i’ve been sat in irish’s flat watching tv until now. so tomorrow starts a very busy and stressful day. early start to get my portfolio together. so ready to put my hands up and walk away, but it’s one more day and honestly it’ll be shit but handing work in is better than handing no work in.