Ed’s back and i’m trying so hard to push him out of my life. i’m trying to avoid his advice, i’m trying to drown out his words with loud music. i’m trying to be good. i’m trying not to fall back into his trap.

sat here with an empty stomach, head aching with thoughts stress and emotions, and tears falling down my face. i feel comfortable, it’s like i’m back in his arms. it’s like he’s come back to protect me when i’ve fallen down. he’s back to pick me up again and tell me it’s going to be okay. all i have to do is stop eating and he’s happy. he’s so easy to please. he’s going to be with me no matter what i do. no matter how many mistakes i make, as long as i keep my end of the bargain he’ll be here holding my hand.

he’ll even hold my hair back if i need him when im sick. he’s so loving and caring. he keeps telling me about how good im being, how it’s okay to not eat dinner. how tomorrow i should skip breakfast before class, i’ll look good with a flat stomach. after all who needs food in the morning? it’s pointless isn’t it. he wants me to stay with him, he says he still loves me even though i left him for a while. he says he’ll always take me back. he says he forgives me for rejecting him so many times. and i know deep in my heart he’ll never leave me. after all he’s been with me all along, i’ve just chosen to ignore him.

but then reality hits me. no, i have no appetite or want to eat, but i have to. no matter how hard it’s been the last couple of weeks, and no matter how hard it is tonight i have to get that food in me somehow. i have to eat to survive, i have to live. a life with Ed, is no life at all. it’s torture and hell, and i know no matter how bad i feel now, i will feel worse if i let him back into my life. i have to pick myself up, i have to believe that i can make things better. i have to believe that i’ll be happy again. i have to believe that i’ll be okay. because at the end of the day i have so many things to be grateful for, and going back to Ed means just throwing them away. i’m not hurting my body anymore, and i’m certaintly not hurting myself anymore. i’m past that, and yes i’ll look back on the past.. but i will never feel good about it, i’ll look back and remember how much i was hurting, and i’ll remember why i left him in the first place.

“No I can’t take one more step towards you, cause all that’s waiting is regret. I learned to live, half-alive.. and now you want me one more time? Don’t come back for me. I hear you’re asking all around, if I am anywhere to be found, but I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes… I wish I had missed the first time that we met, cause you broke all your promises. And now you’re back …you don’t get to get me back.”

i ran away today. ran from the noise. chose not to listen. chose to do it my way. forgot about the lies running through my head. listened to the truth. its hard knowing sometimes which is right. ignored the voices. decided to be strong. didnt fight. didnt put up my walls and bring out my armor. just let it be. i didnt decide i wanted to be someone else. i dealt with my issues. yes i am not perfect. but who is? theres no medicine that can fix this. there is no easy fix. the hardest part is recognizing it. im past that. im to the point where the voices dont even matter anymore. i know they only want to bring me down. theres nothing that beats being honest to yourself. lying only becomes a bad habit, which gets you into a bad circle of habits. been there. not fun. i think writing on here has helped me a tremendous amount. i cant lie. i cant lie to myself, my friends, or my family. i cant lie to the people i dont know. its sort of a way of keeping me on track. ive made it this far, i cant let anything get in the way now. i will never ever again let bulimia tear me down. im better than bingeing and purging. im healthy. for all you girls out there who still are having problems, healthy doesnt mean im fat. it doesnt mean ive gained weight. healthy means im living life, without Ed constantly on my back or in my head. im getting to happy. one day i will be fully recovered for forever. i will never again turn to Ed.

The more i think about it the stupider i think i sound. seriously.. i cant stay scared for the rest of my life of drugs. there will ALWAYS be drugs out there, always someone who takes them. always someone who grows, deals, transports. im not going to be able to hide for forever. so its time to step up. ive decided to no longer be scared. to trust myself. to be able to say no. ive said no to so many other things in my life, why shouldnt i be able to say no to this? i was just as addicted if not worse to bulimia and ive made it through that. this should be no different. i used to think that i wouldnt be able to say no if drugs were presented to me but seriously? am i going to live in denial and hide from them? so what if theres a person smoking weed on the street.. im not going to run up to them and ask for some. i just need to be smart, and not put myself in situations that i dont need to be in. not find my way into groups of people that arnt good for me. i know some people who decided to try some stuff this summer for the first time and seriously.. yeah that made me mad. like whats the point? everyones turning 18 this year and you get to drink.. legally and out in clubs and shit. is that not enough? why does everyone search for a high? im telling you. the high might be good, but when you come down.. its usually not worth it. plus if you loved the high so much your bound to do it again. so is it worth it? either your hooked, or you hate it. i dont know, your choice. just doesnt seem logical to me. yet i did it all. call me stupid, call me whatever you want. i made mistakes, god knows ive made MANY mistakes. ive learned from them, but thats only because i got help and got past my addictions. not everyone gets out.