been home since lunchtime working on my coursework. take a few breaks, one to have lunch, one to make dinner (which is currently cooking away on the stove and i cannot wait to eat it for once), and one last one now to grab a coffee.

felt like i need a bit of fresh air and a pick me up. any ways back to a case study for marketing i go.. two more weeks. two more weeks.

Went over to see Magnus last night. He was kind enough to help me with my maths homework.

Makes me feel like a kid again, doing math problems and needing help.

Just thought some of you would like to see how the other half live. iPad, iPhone, MacBook, iMac…no I’m not jealous at all!

anyone watch the boat race between cambridge and oxford this weekend?

simon bet on it and lost, i wish it was longer than 17 minutes.. it’s not often you get to watch rowing!

apparently it’s become my dream to do a masters at oxford.. cheeaaa like that will ever happen!

i think it’s cause im tired and hungry but i’ve just lost all motivation to do any work or study.

going to eat dinner watch the last episode i’ve got of the mentalist and just relax for a bit, then i’ll continue studying. no need to stress myself out.

got one exam tomorrow morning which shouldn’t be too hard, and then business law in the evening. i’ve still got all day tomorrow to prepare for that one though. need to stop stressing myself out.

i hope so

okay so i’ve read up on basically… everything. all the different job titles what they actually meant and who apple wants for those positions. all their different products, computers, ipads, ipods, iphones, and all the different gb’s and prices. can’t say i’ll remember ANY of this once i’m nervous but it’s worth a shot, right?

on the email it said dress casually (going to wear exactly what i wore to class this morning) and that the ‘recruitment event’ shouldn’t last more than 2hr 30min.. bloody hell what am i in for? the event starts at 6 so i’ll be finished at 830.. shame my law class is from 530 to 830… guess i won’t be going to that lecture today then!

now i’m going to watch the mentalist, relax, and make a caesar salad for dinner before i’m off. wish i had some chill pills!

sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

it’s 4 in the morning, i should get some sleep.. need to be up in 3 hours. turn the lights off and lay down.

4:05.. 4:15.. 4:30… tossing and turning. finally i give up i cannot sleep or lay still for the life of me and when i try i feel the blood pumping in my veins, i feel my heart beating so hard it feels like it’s coming out of my chest. i feel every heart beat in my head. i feel it all and im too aware of what’s going on.

i stumble on the web until 630.. decide i can’t sit still in this damned bed anymore. get up shower.. put my uniform on. take two pills, and go downstairs. maybe eat, maybe tell my parents i’m gonna eat at school.

one more pill for the road. music on, seatbelt.. driving. a/c on, i’ll get too hot otherwise. it’s getting warmer.. a/c on highest. i focus on driving, park my car, drink a bit of water or redbull… one more for the morning classes? okay, another pill.

go in, don’t talk to anyone. sit down, pay attention, take notes that are waaay to perfect and detailed. focus on everything, ignore what’s not important.

lunchtime.. can’t eat that’s absurd, sit in the library pretend like i’ve got something really important to work on. start feeling agitated and uncomfortable. another one should calm me down..

i’ll be okay for the rest of the day now. i’ll be okay.

finish the afternoon classes, drive home. get in. a/c on the highest, do work drink lots of water. dinner time.. eat minimal amounts, i’m not hungry.

more work, more homework, more notes, more unimportant bullshit. one more to get me through the night.

time to go to bed?  sat up in bed, tears streaming out of frustration. can’t sleep, can’t sit still, can’t get comfortable, can’t stop thinking, can’t stop anything, nothing’s right, every thing is wrong.

somethings wrong when a 16 year old girl can become an addict on prescription pills.

it started occasionally, i needed to study harder for exams. but like it is with all drugs, the rush went away. quicker and quicker it would dissolve. solution? more pills. more pills, and finally too many pills. panic attacks, dizzy spells, fainting. sickening thinking about how much i screwed with my body, how much i fried my brain.

i can still wake up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, heart literally pounding, shaking.. feeling withdrawals.

i hate adderall, i hate all those pills. imagining how my high school years would’ve been without them.. it’s not right. it shouldn’t be the easiest thing to get your hands on, and it shouldn’t be socially acceptable to take them. you wouldn’t be okay with it if your friends smoked crack before an exam would you? after kicking my habit, i shudder to even think about being on it again. i can’t respect students who take adderall to succeed. call me a hypocrite.

i got on the dean’s list on my own last term, no drugs no extra help, on my own! i have a reason to be proud.. i never felt proud when i got an A on adderall.. it still wasn’t good enough. do you feel proud knowing you’ve cheated? it is cheating. your pushing your brain to work in an unreasonable  state, your cheating yourself of social interaction and creativity. all for what? an A? A+? not worth it.

i know there’s so many reasons why adderall is appealing, but i know too well all the reasons why it’s not as well. i just simply cannot agree with students who take the drug, because that’s what it is a drug. you think you’re not doing anything wrong but if you aren’t prescribed it or aren’t actually ADHD then it’s illegal, just like any other drug.

at the end of the day it’s still substance abuse.

second to last day of lecturers this week. almost done!

finish at 12 today, so i’m going to sign up at the gym. then i’m heading over to Simon’s to help him study for his Friday exams!

gaah business law from 530-830 didn’t sound so bad until i realised it’s a new lecturer that i can barely understand and there’s a seriously annoying guy in that class. oh well at least it’s only once a week and i’ve got anna in that class to keep me company.

back to old routines again now. i’ve got microeconomics and modern europe history tomorrow. shouldn’t be too bad as i finish at 12 and then i’m going to see my lovely boyfriend!

done with lectures for this term! now i’ve just got 5 exams left.. mm study time!