[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzWSe9QaH3c[/youtube]

With everything happening today, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going but you think that you’re on your way. Life lined up on the mirror don’t blow it.

Look at me when I’m talking to you. You looking at me but I’m looking through you.

I see the blood in your eyes
I see the love in disguise
I see the pain hidden in your pride
I see you’re not satisfied
…and I don’t see nobody else

I see myself, I’m looking at the mirror on the wall, here we are again.

Through my rise and fall, you’ve been my only friend. You told me that they can understand the girl I am, so why are we here talking to each other again?

I see the truth in your lies, I see nobody by your side but I’m with you when you’re all alone and you correct me when I’m looking wrong.
I see that guilt beneath the shame, i see your soul through your window pane. I see the scars that remain, I see you.

Looking at me now I can see my past. I see the change, I see the message and no message coulda been any clearer.
So I’m starting with the girl in the mirror on the wall.

I can’t help but think that a week away in greece should be the highlight of my summer.

And at one point yes, it was going to be.

But now, semi-broke and fat I want nothing more than a week covered in snow and fast food.

If I wasn’t plagued with bulimia maybe laying out in the sun and being in my bikini 24/7 would be the dream.

For me it’s not. I love beaches. I love heat. I love sunshine. I hate my body.

So where does the love and the hate begin/end.

I’m not nearly as excited for this trip as I should be, in fact I’m more scared than I’ve ever been before.

so amy winehouse has died, just one month after having to cancel a ‘come-back’ tour as she was booed off stage in..serbia? for appearing too drunk.

death is not a play thing and you should never disrespect the lives lost, however, i can’t believe that it was of natural causes considering her past and her age of only 27 years.

just a shame. drugs kill

sometimes i want to put the blame on someone else. it feels easier that way. it’s easier to say that the mistakes they made were what made me into what i became. sometimes it’s easier to deny the truth. it’s easier to deny the fact that i messed up, i ruined everything,

but at the end of they day I fixed everything again. i sorted my shit out, i fixed my life back up. i stopped turning tables. i made the best out of a worst situation.

you can’t blame me.

sometimes i wish i would’ve done everything different. when i say sometimes, i mean every damn day of my life. i wish i could go back in time and change everything. but it wasn’t up to me, it wasn’t just me who created the situation, and that’s the most important thing to remember as a ‘user’. no matter what kind of addiction you have.

it’s never your fault.. entirely. yea i fucked up for myself a lot, and i continued to do it, but it wasn’t just me. i wasn’t the only reason everything went to shit.

i wish i could change things, i honestly do. maybe then i’d be happy today, maybe i’d be content with my life. maybe i wouldn’t wake up every morning worrying if i had enough money to buy lunch. maybe i wouldn’t have wasted a year at a shit university. maybe i wouldn’t be paying so much money for an education. maybe i’d love myself. maybe i’d forgive the people in my life. maybe i’d forive myself. maybe i’d be normal.

but i’m not.

and that’s what i have to live with. i have to live with the fact that i fucked up the best years of my life. i ruined them, and now im wasting ‘the second best years of my life’ on shit. i sat here acting normal because i have no other choice.

i hate it all sometimes. i hate being me 75% of the time but i hide it so well.

just like i hid my eating disorder, i hide my unsatisfaction. i wondering if i’ll ever be truly honest with myself.

but i know i never will be, it’ll stick with me for the rest of my life. i’ll never be HAPPY, i might be satisfied at the most.

i hate it. i hate my life now. i wish i wouldn’t have met the amazing people that i’ve met in london, i wish i wouldn’t have had the amazing experiences i’ve had in london, because it’d be easier to leave.

i could leave without having any feelings or emotions left behind. i love this place, i love my university, and i love where i live.

but.. my life revolves around money. i wake up every morning wondering if i’ve got enough in my wallet to live. enough to buy a decent meal. enough to spurge on a bottle of wine for five pounds. and i hate it. i hate living on 70 pounds a week, when everyone around me lives on 150+. im jealous, im jealous all the way through. i just wish i had the carefree life i took advantage of when i was younger.

i wish i could go back in time and change EVERYTHING. believe me i would..

when i get to work on coursework and i’m on a roll and doing really well, i start to feel really uncomfortable.

it’s because it reminds me somehow of the times i used to take ‘study drugs’ in order to get my work done in high school, it reminds me of how i felt and how it effected my performance.

it really bothers me because i feel so uncomfortable when really i should just be proud of myself for doing well. but for some reason i feel guilty, i feel like i’m doing something wrong, and like i shouldn’t be this way.

maybe if i slacked off more i’d feel better?

i just don’t understand my brain sometimes…

a picture of something you hate