literally sat here in tears because of my frustration. with myself. with public transport. with old as hell gas meters. and with this cold and damp country.

i want to go to sleep and wake up in dallas. i don’t want to do this anymore.

went to winchester, lovely, but maybe not worth it for such a short period of time. went to the train station, got on the train, stood there for an hour. LOVELY! got on the tube, severe delays and signal failures and whatnot… even more LOVELY. get home, no heat or water.. LOVELY! go top up my gas card with 100 pounds, only to find out it already had money on it, LOVELY. get home freezing from my very expensive excursion, water and heat works. FANFUCKINGTASTIC.

why is it whenever i work hard to save money it always goes to the boring shit like bills, food, travel. why can’t i spend it on me?

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

so the reason i didn’t update yesterday was that thursday afternoon/night involved a little bit too much alcohol. started off meeting up with one of simon’s best friends james on oxford street. he was with a couple of guy friends from back home and they had come to london to see john mayer. so we ended up have our first drink in a bar called the phoenix, then they had to leave for the concert. went to topshop, found tom and then met up with two girls they had gone to school with. then we went to a place called all bar one.

it’s a nice place, me and simon went to one by the london eye and really enjoyed it. this one wasn’t as impressive. the place we were sat at was highly annoying for me. really tall seats so my feet didn’t touch the ground and i just couldn’t get comfortable and on top of that my legs were falling asleep. i was so happy to get out of there that i left my phone. lucky i noticed quite quickly ran back and the waiter had it and handed it to me straight away. thank god for that because if not my night would have been ruined. there would’ve been a pissed of little me and a whole lot of tears. then we moved on to a cocktail bar.

the girls got their drinks they were keen on drinking and we continued with the red wine. let me just mention that at this point i was getting on it. and the plan was that when the girls finally left we would go home, but alas! james called and the plans changed immediately. we met up with them on oxford street and then started walking towards a club. so strawberry moons it was!

the walk there was fine. except for the fact that i saw all the lucky bastards sat outside the Apple store waiting for the friday release. i want one! i want one! i want one! strawberry moons wasn’t too packed but the fact that the dance floor was halfway empty and the dj was playing everything i wanted made it amazing! usher-OMG and sweet child of mine were the nights favorites, at least for me. i was the only girl and the guys seemed to want to chill, but nope. i would simply not have it. dragged everyone onto the dance floor and to be honest i must have looked like a pimp, haha kidding! from there we moved on yet again..

yeah, i ended up with 5 guys at a strip club. little blonde girl in a strip club. geeez, it must have been a sight to see! i was the only girl in there… besides the one behind the bar and of course the dancers.  i can’t explain it but unimpressed and shocked kind of puts my feelings into perspective. let me just tell you it’s nothing like it is in the movies. the girls are not good looking. the club in it self was not nice. it was… trashy. not what i expected. not the image i had in my mind. so to say the least you wont be seeing me in one anytime soon. after that we left at like 6 in the morning to get the first tube home.. must have both fallen asleep because we ended up in brixton.. so off the tube to get yet another one. didn’t get to bed until 8 in the morning and i’ll tell you this much, when i woke up around noon i felt like death. so yes being thirsty on a thursday was the reason i didn’t update all day yesterday and didn’t move a muscle either.

have any of you guys ever noticed the extreme calm that comes after crying? i feel tired, yet awake. everything feels surreal.. ive never thought of this before. interesting. anyways i think its time to go to bed, got lots to do tomorrow!

oj oj oj. the hell i went through to get my life back. first step was telling my parents i was sick. the response i got wasnt what i expected, but then again can you expect anything? i told them i was sick and that i throw up a lot, so they naturally asked if i had gotten food poisoning. through my tears i told them that it was worse than that. i throw up several times, every day, for a while now. naturally they were shocked. i dont think my dad knew how to respond, he was quiet. mom asked me ‘what’s wrong with you’. i was mad at her at the time for being to careless and it took a while before i realized she didnt mean any harm by what she said and that she as well was shocked. i mean how can you not me? im sitting there telling them that i have been slowly but surely willingly killing myself everyday for the past couple of years. the first step was seeing a psychiatrist. she sucked. so why do you throw up? have any siblings? do you do well in school? oh you throw up THAT much? thats quite often. no shit you dumbass. im sitting here crying my eyes out trying to explain to some old lady why i have bulimia. if i knew i wouldve fixed myself. idiot. so after several tests they kindly explained that i was SEVERELY depressed and that they were sorry but they couldnt help me. great. now what? they recommended we try Children’s Hospital in Dallas. to me this sounded a bit far away and weird. by the time all this had happened things at home only got worse. my compulsive lying sure wasnt making things easier. i told my parents that some foods were easier for me to eat than others, lie. i never admitted to the drugs, another hidden lie. no matter what they tried, they tried so hard to help me. i still threw up. i think the first time my mom fully realized i was sick was when we bought a loaf of bread one afternoon, and when she woke up in the morning it was gone. i went on a binge and lets just say its like flushing money down the toilet. i couldnt control myself. it wasnt me in my body. it was like my eating disorder came into my body and mind and pushed me aside. i wasnt hungry, i didnt want to eat. yet in the middle of the night there i am standing with the fridge open shoving things into my mouth and sneaking food upstairs. im not going to say what i did to throw up because i dont want to trigger anyone or give any ‘suggestions’. i in NO WAY want this to help someone reach their ‘bulimic’ goals. its sickening and wrong, i suggest you get help before its too late. it doesnt have to consume you and your life. you can live happy. you can be free. all im going to say is that after all the years of throwing up, i didnt have to do anything anymore. all i did was bend over and it all came flowing out. mom took me to our family doctor one day and of course i had taken adderall that day. i didnt think about anything and they took blood tests and i had to pee in two cups. afterwards i realized, shit they are going to drug test me. it was too late to worry about that. mom got a call from the doctor saying they found non-normal amounts of various substances in my blood and pee. i tried to lie my way out of that too. ‘i only take adderall because it helps me study’, ‘its not a drug’, ‘i dont even feel it’. it didnt work. i dont remember all to well these months blurred together for me since i wasnt at my best state of mind and my body was not feeling to well. i did stupid stuff, i stole alcohol from my parents, and then when they found out and took it back, i took it back again. they found out and yelled at me and i tried to get out of it by saying it was my bulimia and i hate them for blaming me. wtf? what was i thinking. school was nonexistent. i sat there, and thats about it. i didnt talk to anyone, i just sat. i was a zombie. the morning of going to Children’s i got dressed in my normal school uniform. got ready, got in the car, had my backpack and everything. drank my daily red bull (sugar free of course). once we got there we had a meeting and everyone decided that inpatient would be the best thing for me. so i figured we’d choose a date when i could come back. no. thats not how it went. they stripped me of my belongings. no phone. no purse. nothing. mom and dad left and i was left alone in a scary place. we ate six times a day and at first i refused. i wouldnt do it. whenever my parents came i would bawl. tell them to take me home. i hated it there. it was ten times worse than hell. all the girls asked me whats your name? why are you here? and all i could do was cry, and cry, and cry. over time though things got easier. at the end of my ‘stay’ i was healthier. i could say my name and bulimia without even thinking about it. i was okay, i was going to survive. i would not let my disease get the best of me. it was the hardest thing ive ever been through my entire life, but i wouldnt be who i am today without it. i worked hard to get better, i did it with the help of my support network, family, and friends. i hope everyone out there suffering realizes that it doesnt have to be a lifestyle. you can change. you can live again. i hope you get the help. if you need help and dont know where to get it, leave a comment.. leave your name anonymous and just write your email. ill send you an email and try to help the best i can.

last night at the concert i dont know why, but some songs were just so beautiful. i could really relate. not to the family portrait song, but i know emmelie loves it and i miss her so i couldnt stop thinking of her. it was so beautifully done. just pink a violin, and a dude on the piano. plus at the end she sang ‘carey, carey, carey’ just thought it was really sweet. during ‘Dont let me get me’ was when i had to hold back the tears. also just like a pill. those songs are me. ive dealt with it all. i really felt it. i remembered my past, the drugs, the bulimia, the depression, the messing everything up. 

Dont let me get me

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FK8MdO0KvuI[/youtube]

Never win first place, I don’t support the team 
I can’t take direction, and my socks are never clean 
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me 
I was always in a fight cuz I can’t do nothin’ right 

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror 
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me 
I’m a hazard to myself 

Don’t let me get me 
I’m my own worst enemy 
Its bad when you annoy yourself 
So irritating 
Don’t wanna be my friend no more 
I wanna be somebody else 

I wanna be somebody else, yeah 

LA told me, “You’ll be a pop star, 
All you have to change is everything you are.” 
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears 
She’s so pretty, that just ain’t me 

Doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe somethin 
A day in the life of someone else? 
Cause I’m a hazard to myself 
Dont let me get me

Just like a pill 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIqRBCL_-rM[/youtube]

I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me 
I think I took too much 
I’m crying here, what have you done? 
I thought it would be fun 

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch, 
I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch 
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes being a little bitch, 
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can 

Run just as fast as I can 
To the middle of nowhere 
To the middle of my frustrated fears 
And I swear you’re just like a pill 
Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me ill 
You keep makin’ me ill 

I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me 
This must be a bad trip 
All of the other pills, they were different 
Maybe I should get some help 

ended up sitting at home tonight (saturday night) in dads texas sweatshirt (super comfy!) and my dolce glasses. i love chill nights. theres nothing better than a good movie. we watched the notebook and yes i cried like a little baby. they get me every time. its just such a beautiful movie.