it hurts. it hurts to be honest with yourself. it hurts when others are honest with you. and it hurts when you honest to other people. certain things i dont want to hear. i just dont. i dont care what you mean by saying it i still dont want to hear it. it doesnt matter if its a positive thing, its just some things are better kept to yourself. things are great right now. except for the fact that im in daycare instead of university. but i dont know what i want for next year anymore. im thinking about taking another year off and finding myself again. things have changed so much. i know nothing will be the same next year. things will change and it hurts to think about it. i dont want to give up on school but at the moment ive got absolutely no drive at all. i couldnt give less about the shit im doing at university right now. its all a waste of my time. why should i even bother wasting my time caring about it? its not like i get real grades or anything. sometimes i wish everything would be so different. the same goes for the people here. i loved some people when i moved here, and i hated some. its like thats all changed. the people i disliked are the ones i like now, and the ones i liked im not too fond of anymore. im just tired of thinking and caring about my future. i just wanna do some business degree and get it over with. im not gunna find what i love in life by doing things the way i am now anyways. things are really starting to upset me and i wish i didnt have certain feelings. i wish i could feel nothing like i used to. i wish i didnt care. i want someone to push me in a direction where i have no control. its easier. do the work. hate school. still do the work. do it. and be done. just like high school. cant be bothered giving a fuck anymore. if im studying architecture then why the fuck do they expect me to turn in a photography assignment? if i wanted to do that i wouldve gone photography. fucking idiots. i swear to god im so pissed off with the choices ive made. i shouldve stayed another year in high school and then taken a year off now. but i didnt because i got sick. not even sick, i was mentally fucked. substance abuse. really? bulimia. really? what the fuck. i dont understand how i could fuck up so bad. and at the same time it is good that i didnt stay. i never wouldve gotten better in plano. i know it. and i know i can never move back because of the temptations. i just dont know anything at all anymore.

okay so the blog has been down. for ages i know. but it hasn’t been working, not my fault!!! i’ve come to so many conclusions in the last week it’s unbelievable and i’ve been so mad that my blog hasn’t been working as well. nothing at station court has changed and to be honest nothing ever will. british will be the way they are for forever, and as much as i despise parts of them.. i have to live with it, and i love some of them as well . i also realized how much i fucking love london. i dont want to leave here. i dont even want to live in sweden again. i love love love love love love london. its an amazing city. the people ive met and truly adore i want to keep for the rest of my life. they’re great friends. im not ready to leave this behind just because i cant get into a stupid university. im so sick of getting no’s. it’s not fair. i have the grades. ive done the work. so fuck you. im not going back to dallas. i know what will eventually happen. i will grow weak. i will do drugs and im not doing it. im not putting myself in that situation! i love stockholm but at the same time its too much like home. i want to be independent. i love being here. ive been happy here. i dont want to give it up because of university. i’d rather take a year off and try again. that’s not something i would even have considered a year ago.

back in London now. arrived somewhat early this morning, even though my flight was an hour and a half delayed! first there were 11 people on standby, then when we finally got on the plane there was a random security check. so all the bags they had just put in had to be taken out and put back in again. then the owners of the bags who didn’t pass the security check had to get off the plane and ohhh a waste of my time honestly. usually i have no problem flying. quite used to it, dont get too jeglagged anymore either. however this time was different. couldnt sleep. couldnt sit still. then i got sick and felt like i would throw up any minute. not fun. however simon was at the airport waiting for me and then helped me get my bag back here and now im just struggling to stay awake! had to sneak a nap in today as well.. oops. needed it though i was like a walking zombie. let me just say i already miss the sanitary apartment my mother lives in. this place is a pig stein and its gross. home sweet home until september!

never thought about it before. i know i used to be a spoiled little bitch but that’s another subject. sitting here packed and ready for the airport, i feel like i dont wanna leave. these are my people. its where i grew up. its where i fit in. people dont judge you here. the girls i have here arent immature, trashy, or backstabbing. my guys will stick up for me no matter what. they respect me, and most importantly they have respect for themselves. ive weeded out bad ones and im so not up for doing it again in london. its hard when your hearts in 4 different places at once. i love being here, but nothing compares to london. i can be a snobby little bitch and complain about shit to my friends and its alright. cause we’ve all grown up in west plano. we’ve all been through so much stupid shit together. we’ve watched friends go to rehab, be sent to hospitals, sent to boarding schools. we’ve watched them get arrested on various occasions. but it truly is a bubble of its own. families have money, lawyers on call. no one ever really feels the affects of breaking the law. its ridiculous really, but i still love it. the lifestyle here is comparable to beverly hills yet ive traded it for a ‘poor’ life london (although rich in so many ways.). ask me why? because i wanted to live. i know that i wouldnt change a single thing ive done. ive learned more about myself and my friends then i ever thought possible, and if worst comes to worst in london its good to know i always have a home to come back to if needed.

i had such a good day. went to lunch with allie which was AMAZING can’t believe we even got around to ordering food, haha. talked non-stop. absolutely adore that girl. hope she comes to london this summer! could use a familiar face every once and a while. after that i went ’shopping’ with ito! only got a pair of leggings which was much needed and everything for my sister. im doing good! saving money saving money. i wanna go back to london, but i wanna take my fwends wif me!! loved all the talks about ‘class’ today, and how much i bitched. my friends here know who i am and they don’t try to change me. they put up with my whining, the deal with my bitching, and i love them for it.

left behind some of the most amazing people in Sweden when i moved to Dublin with my daddy. had a lovely house party at jonas’ thanks to his mommy! said goodbye to all my friends and got ready to move!

moved in with my dad in Dublin, Ireland. never loved an apartment so much in my life. went through a lot in dublin. found myself while my dad was working. had some amazing nights out as well

two of the most amazing people ive ever been lucky enough to have in my life came to dublin for an insane week of shopping, touristing, and most importantly drinking!

then i had one of the busiest summer of my life. back and forth. going here and there. sweden, dublin, spain, dallas!

had an amazing 18th birthday as well! oh the lovely people i got to share it with <3

then after a lovely summer it was time to move.. again. this time i went to london, where i’ve met some amazing people, and some not so amazing. had my share of ups and downs in london. been extremely happy and loved every second of life and then ive been extremely upset and just wanted to leave. leave it all behind. i wouldnt change a thing though. some of the best things this year happened to me in london and i cant wait to see what next year brings!

then i went for a lovely, but cold, weekend up north with simon. had fun making snow angels and getting pelted with snow. weird yeah? would’ve been hard leaving if it werent for mexico!

had a great vacation with my parents in puerto vallarta mexico! enjoyed the sun, good food, and good drinks and now last but not least.. spending new years in dallas with my family and amazing friends! if you wouldve asked me in 2008 if i would trade london for dallas i wouldve said hell no. now coming back i miss it so much, i feel like i might end up back here sometime in the near future! HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

got to wear my new jacket today out in the snow here in dallas! absolutely insane that its snowing.

running some errands with daddy! need a new case for my phone, and send my papers in for a new passport!

we ended up going to the galleria instead! i got a lovely down jacket from tommy hilfiger. love love love it! wearing it today since it might snow, in texas!! crazy stuff. then after i went out with ito. went to blaynes apartment, then andrew and chris’ house, then d’s house. then home! didn’t even realize after a while what time it was. so good to be back with friends t

going to the allen outlet mall with my mom and dad today. then probs going out and doing something with ito later on!