Made my way back from Irish’s house not too long ago, and the route on the bus is exactly the same as the one we drove when i was moving, and i have to say that i’d choose a car in London over the bus any day.

went to a pub in angel with courtney, irish, alex, and grace last night. was gonna get the last tube home but… nope. ended up wandering about london looking for buses and it only took my two hours to get home.

kind of a sour ending to a good night! was nice just being out and about in new places with new faces.

literally sat here in tears because of my frustration. with myself. with public transport. with old as hell gas meters. and with this cold and damp country.

i want to go to sleep and wake up in dallas. i don’t want to do this anymore.

went to winchester, lovely, but maybe not worth it for such a short period of time. went to the train station, got on the train, stood there for an hour. LOVELY! got on the tube, severe delays and signal failures and whatnot… even more LOVELY. get home, no heat or water.. LOVELY! go top up my gas card with 100 pounds, only to find out it already had money on it, LOVELY. get home freezing from my very expensive excursion, water and heat works. FANFUCKINGTASTIC.

why is it whenever i work hard to save money it always goes to the boring shit like bills, food, travel. why can’t i spend it on me?

so the reason i didn’t update yesterday was that thursday afternoon/night involved a little bit too much alcohol. started off meeting up with one of simon’s best friends james on oxford street. he was with a couple of guy friends from back home and they had come to london to see john mayer. so we ended up have our first drink in a bar called the phoenix, then they had to leave for the concert. went to topshop, found tom and then met up with two girls they had gone to school with. then we went to a place called all bar one.

it’s a nice place, me and simon went to one by the london eye and really enjoyed it. this one wasn’t as impressive. the place we were sat at was highly annoying for me. really tall seats so my feet didn’t touch the ground and i just couldn’t get comfortable and on top of that my legs were falling asleep. i was so happy to get out of there that i left my phone. lucky i noticed quite quickly ran back and the waiter had it and handed it to me straight away. thank god for that because if not my night would have been ruined. there would’ve been a pissed of little me and a whole lot of tears. then we moved on to a cocktail bar.

the girls got their drinks they were keen on drinking and we continued with the red wine. let me just mention that at this point i was getting on it. and the plan was that when the girls finally left we would go home, but alas! james called and the plans changed immediately. we met up with them on oxford street and then started walking towards a club. so strawberry moons it was!

the walk there was fine. except for the fact that i saw all the lucky bastards sat outside the Apple store waiting for the friday release. i want one! i want one! i want one! strawberry moons wasn’t too packed but the fact that the dance floor was halfway empty and the dj was playing everything i wanted made it amazing! usher-OMG and sweet child of mine were the nights favorites, at least for me. i was the only girl and the guys seemed to want to chill, but nope. i would simply not have it. dragged everyone onto the dance floor and to be honest i must have looked like a pimp, haha kidding! from there we moved on yet again..

yeah, i ended up with 5 guys at a strip club. little blonde girl in a strip club. geeez, it must have been a sight to see! i was the only girl in there… besides the one behind the bar and of course the dancers.  i can’t explain it but unimpressed and shocked kind of puts my feelings into perspective. let me just tell you it’s nothing like it is in the movies. the girls are not good looking. the club in it self was not nice. it was… trashy. not what i expected. not the image i had in my mind. so to say the least you wont be seeing me in one anytime soon. after that we left at like 6 in the morning to get the first tube home.. must have both fallen asleep because we ended up in brixton.. so off the tube to get yet another one. didn’t get to bed until 8 in the morning and i’ll tell you this much, when i woke up around noon i felt like death. so yes being thirsty on a thursday was the reason i didn’t update all day yesterday and didn’t move a muscle either.

The more i think about it the stupider i think i sound. seriously.. i cant stay scared for the rest of my life of drugs. there will ALWAYS be drugs out there, always someone who takes them. always someone who grows, deals, transports. im not going to be able to hide for forever. so its time to step up. ive decided to no longer be scared. to trust myself. to be able to say no. ive said no to so many other things in my life, why shouldnt i be able to say no to this? i was just as addicted if not worse to bulimia and ive made it through that. this should be no different. i used to think that i wouldnt be able to say no if drugs were presented to me but seriously? am i going to live in denial and hide from them? so what if theres a person smoking weed on the street.. im not going to run up to them and ask for some. i just need to be smart, and not put myself in situations that i dont need to be in. not find my way into groups of people that arnt good for me. i know some people who decided to try some stuff this summer for the first time and seriously.. yeah that made me mad. like whats the point? everyones turning 18 this year and you get to drink.. legally and out in clubs and shit. is that not enough? why does everyone search for a high? im telling you. the high might be good, but when you come down.. its usually not worth it. plus if you loved the high so much your bound to do it again. so is it worth it? either your hooked, or you hate it. i dont know, your choice. just doesnt seem logical to me. yet i did it all. call me stupid, call me whatever you want. i made mistakes, god knows ive made MANY mistakes. ive learned from them, but thats only because i got help and got past my addictions. not everyone gets out.