it’s been yet another one of those days. so sick of having them. so sick of dealing with them.

woke up and wasn’t unhappy just irritable. things all day have just gotten me at my core. eating away my patience like a tasty dessert. haven’t been happy. just needed a cuddle or something.

don’t know why it happens, it just does. tonight’s one of them nights as well. back hurts. head hurts. can’t sleep. don’t wanna be awake. don’t wanna be stuck with a shitty internet connection with nothing to do.

why?

it wasn’t the distance this time that was hard, just the fact that i was leaving. normally the one that stays behind has a harder time saying goodbye, but i really struggled yesterday.

got to the airport, got some tax free goods. just a mascara and a new perfume. necessities really then as soon as i got on the plane the captain said we’d have to wait an hour and a half! in the freaking heat. noooo thank you. luckily enough they got it down to 20 minutes.

an hour into the flight i’d finished my book and was quite restless. ended up watching ‘i love you, philip morris’ terrible movie.

landed. went through the usual. passport control. baggage claim. top up oyster card. sit on tube for an hour and a half..

felt so alone. but then i got in and realized that mostly everyone’s back. so i chilled with alex and irish for a bit

i need to vent a bit, and there’s nobody who will understand so dearest blog readers, don’t get too confused.

i don’t understand how you can be so damn naive. don’t you realize that it’s not a dance on flowers? it’s not all its cracked up to be. i thought you listened when i told you, but apparently not. you’re making a massive mistake, but it’s not my place to step in. i want you to know that you will never be anything unless you grow up. make something of yourself. you can’t rely on others to support you always. i thought i could, but then i realized i didn’t even want to anymore. it’s so much better being independent. i just want you to understand, but you don’t. i don’t know if you ever will. i’m willing to be there for you the day that you do though, for now.. not so interested.

you’ve hurt me so much that instead of being upset, im angry. i don’t care for you anymore. the little respect i used to have for you is gone. i don’t want to be around you, i don’t want to hear about you, i just would rather you not be involved in my life. unfortunately that’s not really possible. so this time, i’ll be the mature one. i’ll forget what you’ve said. i’ll forget how much i hate you. how a woman like you can tear down a girl like me is unfathomable, but congrats you’ve done it. maybe now you’ll understand that you didn’t do those things for me, you did them because you felt inadequate.

i tried. i’ve tried. i’m still trying. but you know what? i finally give up. i tried so hard to like you. i tried to be friendly, nice, and courteous. but today i realized i’ve tired of trying. i’m done. so here’s my middle finger and a massive fuck you. i didn’t believe it was possible to hate someone but i fucking despise you. and the fact that you don’t have the guts to try when i’m around, but when i’m not there it suits you. so the next time my name slips off your tongue dear, i hope you choke on it.

it is. i know everyone says it, and its common knowledge. but it sucks.

why does it have to be this way?

what did i do to deserve this feeling? feeling lonely when im surrounded with the people i love. feeling upset when people are doing their most to make me happy. feeling fat when i’ve barely eaten. it’s been over two years now and i still struggle all the time. im sick of it. i want it to end, but i dont know if it every will.

ugh. woke up. and everything seemed to just go wrong. everything. forgot this. had to get that. hair was a mess. forgot my lotion. just not a good start. then i went to get the tube and of course i just missed it. don’t you think i had to wait another 9 minutes for the next one? which then stalled halfway to the station. and i was therefor late to meet simon. he wasn’t too impressed. gah i hate mornings like that!

i don’t have the energy anymore. i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna feel like this. i don’t know if it’s because it’s late and i’m tired. or if it’s cause i’m thinking of the future and it’s fucking me up again. either way i’m down. i’m down, i’m in that place that i don’t wanna be. i don’t want to feel this way anymore.

just wish it would go away. like bad weather hanging over my head..

Today’s been really chilled out and mellow.

Woke up around 11ish, went with my dad to lunch. Bought a couple of things we needed, including alcohol for this week at the cottage we’ve rented

Then when we got home and i was chatting on skype with Simon i started to break down. I don’t know what it is about money and things that revolve around money that really throw me out of the water. We were just chatting about nothing and i started crying. I couldn’t keep a face on, i just let myself break down.

It’s annoying showing others when I’m vulnerable, and i don’t like it, but what am i supposed to do?

Im scared and i’m worried. What if the money doesn’t last. What if i don’t find a place to live in that i’m happy with. What if, what if, what if. I hate money. I hate worrying about having it and not having it. About being able to live with it and live without it. I just don’t like it. Its too much, it gives me stomach pains and makes me want to curl into a ball and die. I can’t handle it.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

so throughout the entire movie i was teary-eyed. simon.. well let’s just say he’s a man and men don’t cry either way we’re going to play an online game of pool now to cheer up a a bit. nothing like a good sad film to make you realize you can get through your daily problems!

all mixed into one and what do you get? an eating disorder. the blog’s been shit lately and i’m not apologizing, i’ve been taking care of me. it’s getting old for me to sit here and write about how upset i am, and i’m sure it isn’t great reading it either. i’m also sick of people judging me and making snide remarks about my decisions. it is my life, i will live it the way i want to. i’m rethinking a lot of things, life choices, and daily choices. i’m ‘doing me’. i’m taking care of myself. i’ve ignored my needs too many times to let it happen again, i wont stand by and watch ed take over my life again. i either don’t feel like eating and force myself to, whilst feeling like being sick every bite i take. or i want to binge. i want to eat. i want to eat everything. and it scares me. because i know when i start eating, there’s no stopping me. i used to go through a loaf of bread in 10 minutes.. i don’t want to fall into that cycle. after bingeing comes purging. and for those of you who don’t know what either are.. well bingeing is uncontrolled eating and purging is well.. throwing up. i’m scared. i am so scared, and i’ve never felt so alone in my life as i do at times here. i’m vulnerable. i need to be around my ’support group’. i need my family. i need to get out of my hole, dig myself out. be able to stand on my own two feet again. therefore i’m thinking about heading home.. and no home isn’t the right word, but home is where the heart is, and right now i need my family and friends. so if my updating is terrible it’s because i’m busy trying to stay on the right path. trying so hard to stay happy and healthy, although it’s hard when you don’t want to try anymore, you wanna just be. i wanna just be.