alarm clock rang this morning and i turned it off. i thought to myself fuck uni i don’t care, it’s not like i’ll miss anything. then i thought to myself what if i do? what if i miss something important? i can’t miss a lecture? i have to pee… got out of bed to go to the bathroom and then i decided what the hell, i’m already out of bed.

so here i am ready to go to uni. but a word to the wise, when you go to bed upset you wake up angry. 

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

i never thought i’d let myself go this far. i never thought that Ed would come back to haunt me in a way i never knew he was capable of. ever since friday i’ve lost control. it started before that, but i still had the reigns, now i’ve handed them back over to Ed and i’m struggling to control what little bit of dignity i have left.

when i was in treatment i meet a hand full of people who were anorexics and whom had then recovered, but relapsed to bulimia. for some reason i just figured that relapsing to anorexia from bulimia was a silly idea, how could that ever happen?

i haven’t lost the plot completely, but i’m struggling more now than i have in the three years i’ve been recovered.

i feel constantly tired. my hands wont stop shaking. i’m cold and nothing will warm me up. i can’t sleep, i don’t want to eat. i have to force feed myself the little bits of food throughout the day. i feel ill, my body is telling me it needs nutrients but Ed doesn’t want to give them to me.

i feel like i’ve reached a new low in my life. i feel like all the recovery talk was just bullshit, and that in fact i am still very very fucked up in the head. i fear that i will never ever be okay, i will never recover from this. i will never be able to fix what my disorder has lead me to do. i feel like it’s easier to throw in the towel and let him win, rather then fight for the control of my own mind and body.

i will never be the respectable girl i strove to be. i will always be the friend that others can depend on to fuck up, a lot. i will always disrespect myself, and i will never be able to love the girl in the mirror. nor will anyone else ever be able to love my mistakes and i as a whole.

i didn’t mean for this to happen, i don’t know why i let it, and it feels like it’s easier to just leave everything the way it is.

i don’t want to think anymore, i don’t want to feel. i just want to be.

i’m not even worried about my body at the moment, but my psych is so down that my body is the one suffering for my emotional mistakes.

it is what it is.

Jag kan inte prata med dig när du tittar bort, snälla ge mig två sekunder innan du ger upp.
Kan vi inte vara nära bara en minut.. är det nu, nu som det tar slut? Fast du inte lyssnar vet jag att du hör ändå, jag vill hinna säga allting innan jag ska gå.
Älskling, vänta får jag bara sitta bredvid dig, det var hon som ville träffa mig.

Snälla bli min igen. nej, låt det va som i en film. snälla bli min igen, låt mig va kvar. ja, låt det va.

Du tar bort min hand ifrån din arm och flyttar bort, ingenting jag säger spelar längre någon roll. ställer mig i hallen tills jag fattar vad som hänt, får jag ens ha kvar dig som min vän? knyter mina skor och går tillbaka in igen, sitter här på sängen tills du be mig att gå hem.

Letar efter nått att säga som kan ändra allt, nått mer än det jag redan sagt…

Snälla bli min igen. nej, låt det va som i en film. snälla bli min igen. låt mig va kvar. ja, låt det va.

i am however hurt, and in all honesty i don’t know how to move on from here. where do you start over when you’ve lost trust in someone, when you’ve lost trust in a relationship and question if it can even work anymore. is it worth starting over?

My hands, they’re strong but my knees were are far too weak to stand in your arms without falling to your feet.

There’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew. All the things you’d say they were never true.

But I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face, well, it burned while I cried ’cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you I could stay there close my eyes feel you’re here forever, you and me together… nothing gets better.

‘but there’s a side to you that I never knew. All the things you’d say, they were never true, and the games you play,you would always win.

I set fire to the rain and I threw us into the flames. Well, it felt something died ’cause I knew that that was the last time.

Sometimes I wake up by the door, that heart you caught, must be waiting for you.

Even now when we’re already over I can’t help myself from looking for you.

Let us burn..

i was going to continue blogging today about my trip. i was going to blog about what i’ve done today. i was going to have a good day on my own.

but it’s ruined. i’m trying to figure out what kind of emotions i’m even feeling anymore, and if it really is worth it?

why does this one thing work me up so damn much? and why do i want to walk away rather than stay..

i don’t want to leave my flat anymore, i don’t want to meet up with anybody, i don’t want to feel anything. i don’t want to be in this situation.

i hate you so much for doing this to me, OVER and over again. why can’t you just see that it’s painful? why don’t you understand that you’re being the bad guy.

every time i go through this i love you a little bit less.

just checked through my bank details and whatnot and realised that i’m broke as anything. i haven’t got any money left, i can’t even pay tuition for this term.

once back from greece (which no longer seems like a good idea) i’m going to have to get a letter from my uni stating im an enrolled student and then i’m going to have to go to the bank and get at least a 1000£ overdraft.

not liking this at all, mostly because i know this term is going to be hell on earth and because a job would be great but i don’t think i could handle it.

i hate having money problems always fucks with my mind, guess the positive thing is i’ll be skinny cause i sure as hell wont be able to splurge on food anymore!