So angry at myself, i had a lecture at 9 am this morning and of course in my sleepy state i turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button. Not exactly the way i had intended on ending my first week, but there’s nothing i can do about it now i suppose. Have two more lectures this afternoon, philosophy and perspectives… like honestly? don’t even get me started today.

wearing my new top from a boutique up in SLC, jeans, and a pair of boots. going over to simon’s tonight, and then spending the day in the gym tomorrow! looking forward to a good work out, i feel like three times a week is barely anything..?

Joined a new gym today, it’s barely a ten minute walk up the street from my flat and i’m really happy with it. Had a good work out today, and hope to go at least three times a week from now on. With the price i’m paying i better stick to this!

Nothing like a bit of shopping to give you motivation. I went to GAP and bought two new shirts, a pair of shorts, and some pants to go to the gym in! Not sure which one i’m joining when i get back to london, but i know i need to do it asap.

After four days of a lot of wine, some vodka, and champagne i think i need a few days on the wagon and a couple of sessions at the gym! Feel like all the good i did on the slopes was overtaken by the drinking.. so back into work out mode i go.

im struggling to keep sane. i dont know if it is because im stressed. i dont know if its because of uni or if its because of my body. but either way i hate mirrors. i hate my body. i hate the way i look. i hate the way my stomach creates a roll that sits on top of my pants when i sit down. i hate the way my boobs look in every single last bra i own. i hate the way my armpits fold. i hate how big my thighs have become. i hate how my legs and tummy jiggle when i walk.

i hate the way i feel about myself.

i want to wake up in the morning and not have my first thought be able how much weight ive gained in the last couple of months.

i want to get ready for my lectures and be happy with how i look. i want to be happy.

i hate having this cloud following me around, because i can’t get rid of it. i may not show it, but every minute of the day i think about food, and what it will do to my body. i dont want to be back in this place. it makes me unhappy and confused. why am i here?

so over christmas i’m going to work out. im going to get fit again, i want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel out of breath. i want to look in the mirror and see toned muscles. i just want to be able to tolerate my body again. i want to eat healthy, and i want to be able to eat without hating myself every bite of the way.

i just want to be okay with what i look like.

[youtube width="425" height="25"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DChHEf0lpEE[/youtube]

why do we do the things we do? i never wanted to care this much. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to be hurt in return. i never wanted to be here. im sick of feeling inadequate. feeling like i’ll never be the one. i’ll never be good enough. i’ll never be pretty enough. i wont be skinny enough. i wont be who you want me to be.

i try. i try ever damn day. nobody knows how much it hurts me to pretend like it’s okay. like im okay. like im happy. like it’ll all work out okay in the end. it’s never going to be okay. i can’t change anything. i can’t fix what’s already broken. i can’t fix myself for christs sake. i can’t do anything right.

every time things start to look up for me, i do something stupid or something comes in the way and it’s ruined again. i keep falling, and i keep getting back up, but im so tired of falling. i don’t want to trip over my own feet every damn day. i want a life i can be proud of. i want friends who don’t suddenly turn their backs on me over a summer. i want family close to me. i want to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed.

i just want things to be so different.

but i’m me, and i’ll never be that person. i’ll struggle every damn day.

and it doesn’t help that you put me down all the time. you think you’re such a bigger person but you forget that we all make mistakes. i’m not the first person to mess up, and i wont be the last. hopefully someday you’ll realise that your words hurt as well. you’ll realise that the more you make me work, the less i’ll want to. you can’t make someone want something. the more you push, the more i push away. one day i’ll walk away. because we can’t keep this up. and if it means that i’ll have to be the stronger person and walk away from an unhealthy situation, maybe one day you’ll thank me instead of punishing me for wanting to be happy.

ive been meaning to work out for ages now, but the motivation simply just ISNT there. im gonna hang around for a bit and have breakfast.. even though its lunchtime, then maybe ill find some motivation after.. or not. god why can’t i be a running junkie!

daddy’s in town and i couldn’t be happier.. well if the sun came out i wouldn’t mind. off for a jog in regent’s park now!

just had a bit of a work out with the boys. not much to be fair just a bit of weights and some abs, need to get fit again. i’ve gotten soft :/

went for a 45 min run around regent’s park with simon today! it was kind of hard keeping up but feels good once it’s done.

home now and working on finishing up my human resource management assignment. been snacking on strawberries… delicious!

simon’s just kicked off at me for playing music too loud and whatnot, mooody boy. think he’s heading home in a bit and we’ll see what i get up to tonight.

girls night at cuckoo club apparently, i just can’t be asked getting dressed up and wearing heels, not feeling it today.