Before the pilates class, I walked on the treadmill on an incline for an hour watching bones I can’t say that I’m hooked on pilates.. No sweat, no.. Nothing? I don’t know how to explain it, but it just felt very mild!

After I did some weights and then went in the tanning bed for 8 minutes. Feeling a bit pasty since there wasn’t a trip to Mexico this past Christmas hehe

off to the gym i go. i have no lectures today (thaaaaank god). i’m going to try to squeeze my way into a pilates class, if not then just do a normal work out! i’m bringing stuff to shower there as well so i think i’m going to try out the sauna and maybe tan a little as well. love having healthy me days!

Simons cousin is in London for the day/night so we got up early to meet her and her friends from the tube station.

Since I was up early and awake I figured why not go for another run, seeing as were going out tonight and drinking.

Went for a 20ish min run, but then did sit ups and worked on my tatas and love handles at home!

Need to get back into shape, specially cause I’m gonna be on the beach soon. Cue panic attack..

went for a quick run with dan around the park at simon’s. did 5 laps and one sprinting lap, had a hard time breathing towards the end uh oh. proper heartburn now as well, think i need to rehydrate.

feel less guilty about all the junk i’ve been eating.. at least until tomorrow i guess. this always happens when i stop working out and whatnot, just feel uncomfortable with my body :/ not really a good sign i suppose.

frustrated. going to the gym to work out and then i’m going to the library at uni to print some things off as i have an exam on monday (?!?!?)

i’m so not ready and i feel a big fat F coming on. oh well, one step at a time. print. study. study. relax. study. study. and then fail.

we’ll see how it goes on monday, but for now i need to stop stressing myself out!

just got up. gonna do a quick little work out with simon. then it’s lunch time.. shower. and then coursework for the majority of the day!

then once i’ve been good and done loads of work (maybe an exaggeration) it’s time for the st. patricks day celebrations! whooooo.

hope you’re all wearing green

slept pretty well, woke up exhausted still though :/ got one class in the morning, then i’m going to polish off my history essay as it’s due in tomorrow.

i think anna and i are going to the gym around 3ish, then law class tonight!

hopefully today will be over before i know it.

breakfast this morning wasn’t good. i had to force myself to eat a slice of bread and some yogurt while cleaning my room. then when me and Simon finally got off our asses to go to the gym i was hungry again.. there wasn’t any lunch at home so i decided to get something at tesco’s on the way. mistake. nothing looked appealing. i found a salad i liked, but of course there wasn’t any plastic forks so how was i supposed to eat it, with my hands? so i put that back. didn’t want another one of their nasty sandwiches.. so i opted for a chicken pasta thing. got a bottle of water and thought i was set! i was already frustrated cause i didn’t get any food that i actually felt like eating, and i hate spending money on food. i think it’s a waste. the less i buy the less i eat.. makes sense no? but it’s not good for me i know. either way we started walking towards the gym while i was eating, and well after two bites i wanted to be sick. the pasta made my mouth taste like poison and the chicken just made my stomach churn, not cause it tasted bad but because i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want it. i didn’t want to add more to my stomach. it felt stupid eating before a work out. what’s the point? but you can’t work out on an empty stomach, it’s not smart. i broke down and started crying, and poor simon was so confused. it’s hard when i can’t explain what’s going on, half the time i don’t even know! i was just so frustrated that my ed thoughts are coming back. i was mad at myself, the eating disorder, everything. i was upset, and frustrated. but we kept walking, i ended up throwing away the pasta cause i couldn’t bare to look at it. i didn’t want it. simon said he wouldn’t let me work out on an empty stomach so we went into somerfields and i bought a banana and a smoothie. it filled me up and it wasn’t as difficult to eat. i don’t know why the pasta was so hard but it was. it was like Ed was set on me not eating it, i wasn’t allowed and i listened. next time i’ll make the choices, i’ll pick something i will eat. i will eat it. i’m sick of ed bossing me around. i want to eat without any worries, i want to just eat. just be.

so i’ve gotten a lot done today. finished my coursework for one of my modules, i hope it’s at least good enough for a pass. they didn’t really give us a lot of work to do so i had to just figure some things out. so now i’m thinking a new episode of the pacific and bed? gym early tomorrow then uni and more coursework!

sitting here watching a tv show called “superskinny vs. supersized” and i’m disgusted by the fat people and jealous of the skinny ones. im scared to go back to what i was. i never had problems with my face before but now i look at pictures and say i’ve got a chubby face. i look at pictures from a while ago and think i was pretty. now im not. when i think about it the ‘pretty’ pictures are always from when i was sick. from when i was stuffing myself full until bursting point and hurling myself into the bathroom. just today i was looking up diet pills on the internet and then asked myself what the hell is going on? why am i doing this? is ed back? is my bulimia trying to push me over the edge again? because i wont do it. i know ill never be happy with my body or who i am, but i can exercise. i can workout, and i can eat healthy. i can live my life without drugs, pills, and sickness. i can live a good life. i dont need an illness to make me feel good enough.